How to: Be a “Bro” if you are a Female

This one time in college, some run-of-the-mill frat guy called me a “bro” and in that moment in time, nothing else in life mattered. In that one word, I became authorized to play FIFA, watch Star Wars movie marathons, crush beers and talk about hot babes for hours on end in a group of underwhelming men because I, merely woman, was deemed “bro” enough. It felt super cool to be recognized for my nonchalant attitude towards relationships and my inability to talk about my emotions. Maybe now I could finally pretend that I wasn’t born sans Y-chromosome. Now, I could actually get along with guys who were the opposite sex from me, and partake in activities I otherwise would never have the chance to engage in, without any of the responsibility of being a woman with raging hormones and emotional needs.

A woman must be very cautious with the way she goes about introducing herself to the inner bro circle. There’s really only two possible outcomes. She either ends up “one of the guys” or “with one of the guys.” Young, impressionable me had a vision of the kind of person I wanted to be received as, and some frat guy’s “high strung girlfriend” wasn’t exactly a title that coincided with my inner need to be accepted into bro culture. When a woman becomes this type of girlfriend, it is brought to more people’s attention that she has actual emotions that don’t align with those of manhood, thus making it completely unattainable to participate in bro-ish activities, especially in an environment with an overwhelmingly favorable guy to girl ratio. When she becomes a girlfriend, she starts to get questioned on the exact date and time that she plans on bringing more girls around, and if her lady friends are single, but more importantly, “chill like she is.” It completely changes her persona from that of someone with various interests and ideals to someone whose sole purpose in life is to provide more females. As some “bro’s girlfriend,” she could possibly risk interfering with the bond of brotherhood and ostracize her significant other from his once lifestyle of maintaining female contact if and only if the influence of alcohol hinders his ability to have any sort of intellectual conversation.

Women, beware, because once you are this type of girlfriend, you are automatically crazy when you show any mere indication that you actually have a desire to “feel something” other than your boyfriend’s biceps when he just got back from the gym.

If you have received the high honor of being regarded as a “cool girlfriend,” then congratulations, you are probably going to be “wifed up.” It is important though, if you find yourself struggling to be the cool chick that every frat guy desires, that you follow these specific guidelines:

  1. You must not ever cry. Crying is a sign of weakness and therefore not tolerated.
  2. You must have a severe interest in either Game of Thrones, Call of Duty, or any sporting activity.
  3. Don’t be deceived into thinking that your opinion matters. Often a guy will trick you by implying that you never make up your mind or have a coherent thought, when in reality, they just don’t understand your thoughts.
  4. You must never have a say in which bar you want to go to or the timeline of events when going out with a group of bros. Remember, no matter how “cool” you are, you are still a woman and therefore not in the majority. Majority rules when it comes to any bro-decision making.
  5. Lastly, conceal any and all parts of you that may imply, “I am a woman and I am simply unable to not care about anything all the time.” Except boobs, never conceal boobs.

If you are able to follow these guidelines, you will be right on target of being regarded as a “bro,” but sadly, you never will be. No matter how close you get, you will still never fit in with the guys. So if you find yourself with a guy who is looking for a “bro” in his life rather than a woman to love and support him, you can remind him that another friend isn’t what he needs, but rather an ability to love, and the capacity to make room for someone who doesn’t fit into his current lifestyle.

He’s not used to the femininity you have to offer, so if you find that he doesn’t have any room for someone who wants to connect with him on a different level, consider yourself lucky that you are able to express your womanly desires to someone else. Then, go find a “bro” who will be more willing to listen and will actually work for something that doesn’t involve hazing and picking up girls at the bar.

Xoxo,
B.


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