To my teachers, spiritual guides, and tiny, driving forces – I know I haven’t really stopped to thank you in a while, but the truth is I don’t know what I would do without you.
I’ve been asking so much of you over the past couple years, it’s only just occurred to me that so much of what I’ve asked for has been given to me; and for that, I am eternally grateful (even if I don’t seem like it at times).
It’s hard to stop and think about the tiny battles we overcome everyday. It’s hard to recognize the overall journey, when we are stuck thinking about the hurdles we encounter. You of all people, know how many tears I’ve cried into my pillow through the years because of those obstacles; the tears I couldn’t control when my foot got caught trying to leap over my problems before I was ready.
At times, I forget to stop running. I dive head first into my problems, but now I think I’ve learned that it’s time to slow things down for a while, and I know what you are thinking.
“Took you long enough.”
But as I’m slowing down I want you to know that I see you, and I hear you, and I am listening. I am grateful for the gifts you have given me, and for my ability to recognize them within myself. My intuition, empathy, and ability to heal others can feel like a curse sometimes, but I know they are blessings to help guide me through life.
I am grateful for the people you’ve brought me. Through birth and life, I have been blessed with the greatest people of all, even when they are teachers disguised as villains. Even when I think I’ve had enough help and can go at it alone for a while, you keep me in check and help me even more, and my heart is so full of love for that.
Even when I take advantage of the heroes, jesters, and ingenues that are still with me through different acts of life, you’ve allowed them to continually accept me. I know you are guiding them as well, and whispering in their ears, “She only wants what is best for everyone. But she needs a bit of time for herself.” And hearing your words of encouragement through their mouths is the reassurance I always need.
As far as the abusers you’ve sent my way, thank you. Thank you for showing me that some people take advantage of their lives and the people in them, while also taking advantage of what their guides are trying to tell them. Thank you for carrying out your job anyway, and helping me move on in spite of them. Thank you for your courage, and for giving me the strength to still believe in the good in people.
Lastly, thank you for the good ones; thank you for my equals, and my friends; and most importantly, for teaching me the difference between people who are deserving of my love, and those who will feed off of my energy until I am left with nothing.
As I reflect on the past year, I’ve noticed you’ve sent a lot of strong people my way. I’ve also noticed you’ve sent some weaker ones to me, if only for a short while, to continue to challenge me and test me, and to make sure I am doing what is best for my mental health. It hasn’t always been easy to give up on people who I, at one point, cared for; but it has been worth it.
I want to tell you that I am giving up on the people who make me sick to my stomach. I’m giving up on those who make me weak just by being in their presence for much longer than I should or deserve to be. I am telling you this because even when I forget, I know you will remind me.
I also want to tell you that I am giving my trust to you. You have gotten me this far, and I know I have so much further to go. There will always be those who instill fear in me, but you’ve taught me not to listen to my fear. There will be those who are kind to me, who I will be hesitant to believe, because I have been disappointed by people in the past. But with your help, I feel safe; with your love, I feel full; and with your guidance, I feel like I am headed in the right direction.